SHOTGUN: REMINGTON ARMS COMPANY MODEL 870 MAGNUM, SERIAL NUMBER A050308M, OTHER, CASE NOT INCLUDED, 20, 12 GAUGE, PUMP Notes: ATTENTION DUCK HUNTERS, HOME DEFENDERS, AND ANYONE WHO WANTS TO ABSOLUTELY VAPORIZE A TRASH CAN FROM THIRTY YARDS AWAY! UP FOR GRABS IS THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE PUMP-ACTION WORLD: THE REMINGTON ARMS MODEL 870 MAGNUM IN GLORIOUS, SCHOLARLY 12 GAUGE! THIS IS NOT THE STANDARD 870 FOR AMATEURS. THIS IS THE MAGNUM. THAT MEANS IT HAS A THREE-INCH CHAMBER BUILT TO HANDLE THE KIND OF HIGH-VELOCITY THUNDERBOLTS THAT WILL ROCKET WATERFOWL INTO THE NEXT ZIP CODE AND REMIND YOUR SHOULDER WHO IS BOSS. THE REMINGTON 870 MAGNUM IS MECHANICALLY INCAPABLE OF DYING. IT MAKES THAT CRISP, REASSURING "CHCK-CHCK" SOUND THAT HAS SERVED AS AN INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR FOR "YOU HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICE" FOR GENERATIONS. FULL DISCLOSURE: THERE IS NO ORIGINAL BOX. IT IS GONE. VANISHED INTO THE ABYSS OF SOMEONE'S TRUCK BED IN THE EARLY 90S OR DEVOURED BY AN EXCITED LABRADOR. BUT HONESTLY, WHY WOULD YOU WANT A CARDBOARD BOX FOR A CHUNK OF AMERICAN STEEL THAT COMFORTABLY SURVIVES BEING DROPPED IN A FREEZING SWAMP OR USED AS AN EMERGENCY CRUTCH? WE WILL SHIP THIS CHUNK OF ABSOLUTE TRIUMPH PACKAGED IN AN INDESTRUCTIBLE MATTRESS OF BUBBLE WRAP INSIDE A CARDBOARD BOX. THE ACTION IS SMOOTHER THAN A USED CAR SALESMAN BECAUSE IT HAS ACTUALLY BEEN FIRED AND LOVED. THE FINISH HAS JUST ENOUGH REAL-WORLD CHARACTER TO PROVE IT WASN'T A CLOSET QUEEN, BUT NOT SO MUCH THAT ANYONE WILL THINK YOU DRAGGED IT BEHIND A TRACTOR. THIS IS AN FFL TRANSFERS-ONLY SALE. NO, WE WILL NOT MEET YOU IN A WAFFLE HOUSE PARKING LOT AT 3 AM. YES, YOU MUST PASS THE FEDERAL BACKGROUND CHECK. NO, "MY GRANDPA KNEW REMINGTON" DOES NOT COUNT AS REASONABLE IDENTIFICATION. BUY IT NOW AND ACQUIRE THE ULTIMATE THREE-INCH APOCALYPSE INSURANCE POLICY THAT NEVER NEEDS TO BE CHARGED, UPDATED, OR CLEANED MORE THAN ONCE A PRESIDENTIAL TERM. BUY IT TODAY AND UNLEASH THE MAGNUM FORCE!