Rise of the Planet of the MAMILS

Claudia Bikes, News

MAMIL: Acronym for Middle-aged Man In Lycra (Spandex)”

Rise of the Mamils GearChase

Photo Richard Masoner Flickr Creative Commons Attribution

Incubated on Training wheels, MAMIL Transformation Completes Mid 30s- early 40s.”

Typically seen in packs of 3 to 4, herds of MAMILs have been witnessed swarming roads, highways and intersections. Incubated on training wheels, the adolescent MAMIL evolves from the juvenile BMX-er, venturing to an off road thrill-seeking mountain biker, and finally emerges onto pavement as a fully mature MAMIL  between the ages of 30-40 years old.

Wooly MAMIL:  Non-Shaving, shaggy MAMIL. Higher in the food chain than the muffin-topper cyclist shaving to be more aerodynamic (because as any cyclist knows, we are not swimmers, this is not why we shave our legs)


Wooly Mamil

 MAMIL Toe:  When MAMIL is wearing spandex shorts so tight his netherlands are practically exposed. ‘

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Masqueraded in brightly colored spandex, expensive racing bicycles, and sporting logos they’ve never heard of – MAMILs are a peculiar breed of non-professional cyclists.  MAMILs may also occasionally sport a MAMIL TOE due to overly skin-tight bicycle shorts “I was getting tons of smiles at the shop, then I realized I was sporting a serious MAMIL Toe” 

Hibernating MAMILs Awaken in the Spring, Seeking out Fresh Lycra and Carbon Fiber.’

On the Spring Equinox, MAMILs venture our from winter slothfulness to mount their carbon fiber steeds.  MAMILs flock together on weekend mornings, cycling in formation along roads and highways –  competing against each-other in imaginary races.

10 Signs Your A MAMIL

1.  You are at least 35 years of age.
2. Every bike you see on the road is cheaper than yours.
3. Every bike rider you see on the road is faster than you.
4. You wear a jersey one size larger to hide the spare tyre around your belly.
5   Your social network is on MapMyRide,  Garmin and Strava – not Google+ or Facebook
6.  After hanging out with you the guys, you don’t stagger into the house because you’ve had too many beers, it’s because of   your clip in shoes.
7.  You’ve become an obsessive online shopper worse than any house wife – for anything related to bikes.
8.  You prefer Gatorade to Soda
9.  You’ve actually shaved your legs. There is no turning back now.
10.  You’ve been called a MAMIL.

The Pedigree Roadie “Bike Snobs” have been resentfully been grouped with the counterfeit, Barbaric MAMIL “Bike Hogs”

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Midlife-Crisis males hide fat love-handles behind obnoxious sports cars. MAMIL’s ride behind carbon fiber handle bars”

There are two breeds of MAMILs. The aspiring, determined MAMIL who really enjoys the sport of cycling for the adrenaline and challenge. Then there’s the counterfeit MAMIL, who hangs out on the shoulder of the road for 75% of the ride, and ends the route with a coffee and pastry at Starbucks.  Then there’s is the classic Roadie who actually competes in races, and you can actually tell he cycles.  Creatures of discipline and stamina with almost 0% body fat, these “Bike Snobs” have resentfully been grouped with the masquerading, barbaric MAMIL.   Taking claim over the bike lanes – stampedes of savage “Bike Hogs” unworthy of their carbon fiber frames put the shame in MAMIL. – “Bike Snobs” to “Bike Hogs” cover the spectrum when it comes to road cycling – with the blue blood MAMAL right in between.

MAMIL Infestations are Spreading to Urban Outskirts”

What once was a nuisance isolated to drivers in major cities, MAMIL infestations have been observed spreading beyond the urban populations into the suburban outskirts. Historically road cycling was a behavior practiced for economic reasons. Although peculiar, the MAMIL may be the cure for the mid-life crisis.  Obsession with carbon fiber and hours in saddle, MAMILs have defied the Mid-Life Crisis.

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Different Species of Road Cyclist
OFIL: Old farts in lycra
SAMIL: Senior Aged Man In Lycra -riders faster enought (usually faster) than MAMILs
YCRAP: Young Casual Rider At Present
SAWIL: Senior-aged woman in Lycra
MAWIL: Middle Aged Woman in Lycra 

TAMIL: Teen Aged Man In Lycra

“Saddle Sores” aka Crotchitis – street name: the MAMIL version of Diaper Rash due to chaffing, excess moisture etc….  Prevent it with BodyGlide Balm(only a couple bucks a bottle, slap it on before a long ride – buy it here–>). Already got it? Slap on some diaper rash cream – saddle sores will be gone in the morning.

Alpha-MAMIL: The a**hole MAMIL who thinks every group ride is a race, yelling and charging the front in attempt to show strength

Physical Side Effects of the MAMIL: Chaffing, occasional road rash and lower bank account balances, extreme weight loss due to excessive cycling and overall – a becoming a sexy MAMIL. Peculiar social side effects include: Leg shaving, MAMIL Toe, obsession with CarbonFiber

tour-de-france-244348_1280 Rapha, Bernard, Jaggad Top Namebrand Clearance

Saddle Sores: (Crotchitis): the MAMIL version of Diaper Rash due to chaffing””

Prevent saddle sores with Prevent it with butt cream like BodyGlide Balm. Only a couple buck – buy it here.  Already got it? Slap on some diaper rash cream – saddle sores will be gone in the morning.

Punishment Passes: Criminal Drivers Veering Into Cyclists to Instill Fear

There is a war on the road against Mamils. Angry drivers stuck in traffic, paper pushers who had a bad day, the CO2 saving Mamil often pays the price. There have been reported deliberate scare tactics and alleged attempts to intimidate cyclists off the road.  This happen so often, cyclists have to be wary of  ‘punishment passes’.  Spectators have alleged to often witnessed drivers intentionally veering into cyclists to instill fear, yet this reckless behavior often results in injury and even tragedy to innocent cyclists. There are no words for these cruel and illegal actions.  Movements are underway to increase the fines, penalties and even incarceration for unlawful and violent actions against cyclists.   Driver’s are protected by steel, airbags, and seatbelts. A cyclist is completely exposed.

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The angry driver’s moronic angst against Mamil’s is the latest fat people bias against happy being active.  Anyone stuck in traffic with a long commute, or someone having a bad day – it’s the Mamil who gets the earful, or swerve into the shoulder/bike lane.   Mamils get a sometimes get a bad rep, and definitely get a when it comes to driver aggression and road rage. “They’re dressed exclusively in Lycra and wraparound shades, they ride on the pavement, go the wrong way down one-way streets and straight through red lights. And that’s why motorists hate them.”While there is bad behaviour on both sides, it is an unequal relationship. The driver is protected by a metal shell while the cyclist is exposed. #SaveTheMamil

“It’s scary as a cyclist because you are the vulnerable road user,” says Rob Spedding, editor of Cycling Plus. “You have someone in a few tons of metal bearing down on you and you are just flesh and bone. It’s potentially fatal.”

 Guy’s Night Out – Replaced with Man Morning-Out

Replacing the Guy’s Night Out, morning rides with the guys.  Saturdays start with 3 hours in the saddle. No more friday nights and beer bellies, it’s all about miles per hours and body fat percentage.  It usually begins a commitment to become fit. Definitely a better way to stay fit than ring on a treadmill like a hamster.

Busting the Bank on a Bike better than Busting out of Your Pants

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Up to 85% off Bike Parts and Accessories

Whoever is giving you are hard time about dropping $3,000 on a bike, drop the bad attitude.  If you stick to it, you’ll likely drop 30lbs.  Much better than the old midlife crisis of dropping 30,000 on a depreciating car.  Not even sure why everyone is calling a MAMIL the new midlife crisis. You shouldn’t even have to justify such an amazing carbon fiber light weight peice of metal that is scientifically proven to release endorphins and make you better in the sack.  No more sports cars or Harley Davidson’s – now its a Biancho Infinito for $4,600, or a Diamond Back Century Carbon for $2,300 or the Merckx EMX 525for $8,500.

Mid-Life Crisis: Out with the Obnoxious sports cars in with the Tricked out Bikes

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While you might be able to use that 2 year old bike from college, that is highly unlikely . Often the next obstacle comes the bickering, why on earth do you need to purchase a $1,200 bicycle (if you have talked yourself down to that number).  Yet through all of this mindless arguing, the result ultimately leads to a purchase on craigslist (if you know how to wheel and deal) or your local bike shop.  The resulting purchase is what is only what’s absolutely necessary to get started in cycling/biking. A bare bones bike (or what will be explained to others “he has also spent a fortune on bikes”), cycling kit outfit that you are definitely uncomfortable wearing now – but you are committed to loosing those love handles and you will look like a pro in just a month. Of course the essential kit of cycle hacks and gadgets and and quick fix gear essentials in case you end up in a bind on the road.

Dangerous Mamil Behavior: Mamils can be Dangerous to Humans: Known to Attack When Travelling in Packs

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The pedigree: Creature of discipline, stamina and often the type of  The type of Mamil you that gets gawked at during red light intersections. stealth and stamina – it seems as if the spandex was designed to fit the specimen of a creature.

So, what are the essentials to transform into a  Mamil?

Mamil Shoes:

Let’s set the facts strait.  Mamil shoes you could only waddle in on regular surfaces Yet cycling shoes will give you full power of motion for each pedal in terms of physics.  You can cycle or ride a bike in just about any street shoes, flip flops, or skate shoes. But any serious rider is going to invest in some shoes designed for bicycling. Hence the Mamil shoe. Check here for deals on biking and cycling shoes, good for mountain biking, road biking – clips or no clips.

There are shoes compatible with the pedals with the pedals without clips.  This is a logical setup if need an efficient set up – and want a versatile efficient bike setup that you can hop on even without your heaven forbid lycra. So if you are down for some casual riding, check out a bike with a system setup for pedals that can handle pedals with out without clips.

Sexy cycling manly Mamil in lycra  saving money, saving the planet – one pedal at a time.”

This Typically starts arguments of the hours spent in the saddle – yet this is an easily won debate over the expensive girls nights out and dinners, lunches and movies and manicures.  And hey – you are going to be a sexier, happier guy to be around, how is this possibly a down side.  Also, this is some well deserved needed man time, better spent than poker nights or bars – with a pay-off with a sexy fit body, a longer life span, science proven happiness, saving cost on fuel when commuting and long term health benefits that money can’t buy.  And an argument that there is no come-back to, reducing your global footprint to save the planet.  Sexy cycling manly Mamil in lycra  saving money, saving the planet – one pedal at a time.   Say all that with your charming grin, and you’ll sweep her off her feet all over again. You should have ridden her off into the sunset on your bike on that sweet bike the first place on your wedding day. What were you thinking.

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